Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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