I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
