It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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