like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
