Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
