i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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