dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
