I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
