I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
