There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
