guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Randomize
