and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
