Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
