i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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