arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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