You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
