i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
