U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
