I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
