i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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