She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
