8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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