I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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