paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
