Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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