my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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