I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
