don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
