I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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