I wish I could teleport
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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