I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
