Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Randomize
