I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
