I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
