I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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