I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I have feelings that need drinking.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
