By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
