Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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