Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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