So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
