The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
