Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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