I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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