I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
