i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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