Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
