i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
