i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
