If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
