I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
